


The Title of This Story is "Friend Fiction." It's Fiction About My Friends

by TheGreatAndLovablePeridot



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: (is totally not secretly CoreyWW why would you even think that that's silly), Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Camp Pining Hearts, Characters Writing Fanfiction, College, Comedy, Dark, Dating, F/F, F/M, Fanfiction, Fluff, Happy Ending, Horror, Hurt/Comfort, Kinks, Lesbian Character, Mary Sue, Meta, Metafiction, Multi, POV Second Person, Parody, Phone Calls & Telephones, Plot Twists, Sad Ending, Shipping, Silly, Slow Burn, Tongue-in-cheek, Villains, Writing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-09-11 17:53:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 1,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9000685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGreatAndLovablePeridot/pseuds/TheGreatAndLovablePeridot
Summary: My name is Peridot and I have decided to write fandom fiction! I discovered you can write "real person fics" so I decided to write stories about individuals I know from my time trapped on this wonderful and horrifying planet! I hope you derive enjoyment from these stories as I feel they are the pinnacle of art and culture in the universe!





	1. Connie and Steven Demonstrate a Human Civil Bond

**Author's Note:**

> Hello people who live on the internet!
> 
> My name is Peridot! I am a sentient being that has just discovered the existence of fandom fiction entirely by accident when I was searching for Camp Pining Hearts Season 9 news at four in the morning! I had no idea this type of art existed, so I since I had already mastered all visual artistic mediums, this seemed like a natural next step!
> 
> I considered writing fiction based on Camp Pining Hearts, but I had difficulty thinking of ways to improve upon objectively the best thing ever created on this planet (Steven is a close second. And there's nothing wrong with second place. But he is second.) But then I discovered the existence of "real person fics" where it is apparently common to create stories about people who exist in the real world! I know many individuals who I could write literally tens of stories about, so I decided to try that.
> 
> I was slightly tired at the time and not feeling extremely motivated so I was only able to write sixty stories today, but here are the best ones! Enjoy!

"Connie, I would like to make the formal request to hold your hand for maximum mutual benefit."

"I would also like to engage in that Steven."

They gripped their touch stumps together and fused.

"We are fused now,” Stevonnie said. “We are now at maximum battle efficiency. Let's get rings to symbolize this because that's what humans do."

That is how marriage works, probably.


	2. Peridot Saves the World

The great, attractive, intelligent, flawless Peridot mashed on the button to stop the drill. The Cluster made a terrible roar.

“We’re doomed!” Steven said and cried.

“Never!” Peridot then lept out of drill, lifted it with her astounding physical strength, and threw the drill at the Cluster, causing it to ~~blow up~~ harmlessly bubble somehow.

Later, they got back to the Earth’s surface.

“I have prolonged the survival of this slowly dying planet for at least another decade!” Peridot proclaimed attractively.

“Hurray!” the Gems, humans, and all the lesser lifeforms of Earth said.

“I love you!” Amethyst shouted.

“Me too!” Lapis said.

“Yes, you’re correct to say that,” Peridot said.


	3. Lapis

There was once a Gem named Lapis. And she was very nice and a good friend and fun to be around.

I’m glad we’re friends.

That’s the conclusion of the story.


	4. Human Angst Fiction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m of the understanding some humans enjoy reading narratives that make them feel sad! That doesn’t make any sense to me, but I decided to try it anyway!]

"I would like to be couple" Sadie said to Lars.  
  
"No," said Lars.  
  
"But-"  
  
"No, we are not an optimum pair."  
  
Sadie got very sad as she was thwarted by logic.

Then one day they both died because of their underevolved physical structure being affected by the passage of time.

That was also sad.


	5. Comedy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I also understand humans enjoy jokes! Especially jokes that are extraordinarily cruel! My existence often feels like a cruel joke so I feel uniquely qualified to convey this!

“Today will be a good day,” said ~~Jasper~~ human that coincidentally looked and acted just like Jasper.

She happily walked down the street when she was struck by a meteor. Then fired from her sector of employment. And evicted from her human domicile.

She went to drive away and be sad when her vehicle blew up. And her flaming carcass was then attacked by indigenous wildlife.

“Nooooo this was supposed to be a good day,” not-Jasper said.

“It wasn’t though,” said nurse Lapis at the hospital.

The nurse then flipped her bed over and the human that looked like Jasper was in tremendous discomfort.

And then the bees came.


	6. Peridot is the Most Popular

“Peridot is so flawless and efficient, I want to express my affection with kisses,” Amethyst said.

“No, I want to do that also. I’m prepared to engage in violence!” Lapis said. “I get to be affectionate with Peridot.”  
  
“No, me,” Pearl said. “Her engineering prowess is unmatched and superior to mine in every aspect. It is ravishing!”

“No, she will join with us to become a singular being,” Garnet said.

“ _Lewd_!” Lapis yelled.

Peridot, perfect and beautiful in all objective measurements in the universe, said, “No, stop! You can ALL share affection with me! Peridot is for all to enjoy!”

“Does that mean we can touch your butt?” Amethyst said.

“Yes,” Peridot proclaimed.

And they all did.

Happy endings are wonderful.


	7. Twist Ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Humans seem to enjoy narrative surprises referred to as “twists” so I made a story with a twist at the end. Don't tell anyone it has a twist though.

Steven got up one day and decided to make everyone's life better that day.

But the twist is that Steven makes everyone's life better just by being himself all the time.

Except I lied, the real twist is that Steven is in a coma or something and none of that actually happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did the twist get you? I bet it got you!


	8. Slow Burn Pt. 1

Ruby decided one day to attempt to ingest a drink made from ground up beans called coffee at a shop that provides it in exchange for green paper with an imagined value attached.

Sapphire was at the coffee shop and they would meet there.

But not yet.

Ruby made a sandwich. And did her taxes. She thought about calling her friend Pearl but didn't.

Sapphire was still at the coffee shop. Don't worry, we're getting there.

Ruby drove her vehicle in the general direction of the coffee shop. Traffic was bad.

Sapphire was still at the coffee shop. She ate a pastry.

Eventually Ruby decided to not get coffee that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued! Stay tuned for chapter two of this 1245 part series!


	9. A Horror Story

Connie had an important file on her terminal which she needed to turn in to be successful in the backwards education system of her planet. Otherwise she would presumably be broken down for resources or something.

But the file was gone. And it wasn't coming back.

Oh my.


	10. Hurt/Comfort

“Peridot, sometimes I have sad feelings,” Lapis said.

Peridot frowned because Lapis was her best friend who is perfect and didn’t deserve to feel sad.

“I have sad feelings sometimes too, it's okay,” Peridot said. She clutched Lapis to her physical form.

Lapis smiled.

“My mood has somewhat improved,” Lapis said. “Let's kiss with tongue.”

“O-kay,” Peridot said.


	11. Yellow Diamond

Yellow Diamond was insecure and sad all day every day since the perfect being Peridot called her a clod.

She was supposed to rule an empire, but instead she just cried on the floor all day.

Her Pearl looked down at her and said, “Wow. She's a jerk. I'm glad she's sad.”

And then Yellow Diamond got sadder.

This is my favorite story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the conclusion of this update. I just noticed that this site gives readers the ability to leave comments and kudos. If you'd like to, consider leaving some of those, but it's not a big deal if you decide not to. I don't care about such matters.
> 
> Actually, I care immensely about such matters, please leave comments and kudos and share these on all your human social interaction simulator websites.
> 
> “Wow, thanks” to you for reading. End communication.


	12. Gift Giving

"I got you a gift" Steven said.

"Wow thanks," Connie said. "What is it?

"The gift is actually _me_ because friendship is the best gift of all" Steven said. "And also a rocketship. I got you that too."

"I appreciate both of those things!"

Then they drove the rocketship to the moon and built a human residence there. They aged like humans do and one day they had fifty moon offspring all named Peridot.


	13. Kinks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Wow, thanks” to everyone who left kudos and comments! I was very pleased and surprised to see that.
> 
> However, upon noticing the sorting functions of this fanfiction webzone, I noticed that despite being me, I am not the most famous individual on the site yet! Fortunately, I have written many more stories to remedy that. I tried to look at some of the most popular patterns in stories and write specifically to that. Lapis said that might compromise artistic integrity, simply pandering to what’s popular, and that it’s more dignified to write what I want.
> 
> But fortunately I don’t care about my dignity so much as this objective measure of my worth, so _popularity it is_! If you enjoy any of these stories, be sure to leave kudos and constructive comments about how great I am. And be sure to share these stories on Tweeter, Rumblr, Gaggle+, MyPlace, Xanga, usenet, BBSes, on all the things!
> 
> Anyway, to start, I noticed many of the most popular stories in all fandoms regard something called “kinks.” I would read these stories, but Steven appears to have installed a “Parental Control Block” on this tablet which I have yet to get around. However, I decoded the meaning of the word kink using a human dictionary site, so it wasn’t hard to figure out! 
> 
> I know what you all like!
> 
> I’m winking! You can’t see it but I’m winking now!
> 
> Here we go!

“My neck is feels sore,” said Amethyst. “I think there’s a kink in it. This is quite an inconvenience.”

Garnet rubbed Amethyst’s neck.

“Better?” Garnet said.

“Yes, quite,” Amethyst said. “Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SEE, GREAT HUH? 
> 
> Am I popular yet? Leave a comment if I’m popular yet.


	14. Second Person POV Fanfiction

You are Peridot. You are amazing.

You feel enriched by the experience of being you.

What a wonderful gift this is.


	15. College AU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Humans seemed obsessed with alternate dimension where, despite the infinite possibility of parallel worlds, all focus on characters at institutions of higher learning! Okay then!

“No, I am late turning in assignment,” Lapis said. “If I don’t turn it in, I will be forced to work in food service until the heat death of the universe!”

“I would like us to drink alcohol instead of contribute to society,” said Amethyst.

Lapis considered her options and drank alcohol instead and only made out with Amethyst a little.

Lapis didn’t finish her assignment and was expelled from civilization.


	16. Shipping

“I derive much enjoyment from this Percy/Pierre ship,” Lapis said.

“I personally prefer Percy/Pauline,” said Amethyst.

“Okay,” Lapis said.

That is the end of the story.


	17. Pairings with Villains

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a very popular idea for fandom fiction involves the villain or villains of a story in pairings with other characters. Which is ... concerning, but perhaps I could try it anyway. Kudos aren’t going to award themselves after all!

“Yellow Diamond, I find the fact you’re absolutely the worst being in existence attractive for some reason!” Rose said.

“There is no reason for us to be compatible due to our vastly conflicting ideologies and yet we still are!” Yellow Diamond said. “What are the odds?”

“Let’s engage in a fun couples activity. What activity would you enjoy?”

“Trampling over the most basic rights of sentient beings!”

“... not ... a fan of that, but you know what else is enjoyable?” Rose said. “Bowling.”

“... I will try bowling then.”

“Excellent!”


	18. Crossover Fiction

Peridot decided to visit Camp Pining Hearts because in this story that's a factual place that factually exists (Except in this story Paulette doesn't exist because I'm the author and I said so).

She met Percy and Pierre who immediately wanted to be her best friend in all the universe once they found out all of her headcanons were 100% accurate without fail.

“I'm just... I'm just so happy,” Peridot said with tears in her vision spheres.


	19. Courtship Rituals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many popular stories seem to center around human courtship rituals. I am quite mystified by many of these behaviors, but I think I've read enough Camp Pining Heart fiction involving such things to get the gist of it.

Mystery Human With Pink Hair called Pearl on her primitive voice communicator.  
  
"I would like to inquire what you are wearing because that is something humans who court ask," said Mystery Human.   
  
"The same appearance modifiers that are a part of my physical form," said Pearl. "That is what I have on."  
  
"I see. Carry on with that."  
  
"Acknowledged."  
  
They ended their steamy voice conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS STORY WAS RATED "HOT" BECAUSE IT IS HOT. BUT STEVEN SAID I SHOULD TELL PEOPLE SUCH THINGS AREN'T FOR CHILDREN. SO IF YOU WERE A CHILDREN, DON'T READ ANY OF WHAT YOU JUST READ!


	20. Dark Fic

Djdhcuvoememebcivlebene  
  
I wrote that part of this story in the dark.  
  
It didn't turn out well.   
  
I think I misunderstood the idea behind that term.


	21. Dark Fic 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I figured it out now.

One day Greg got shattered and then he didn't exist anymore. And everyone was sad. Especially Steven and-   
  
Alright, no, we're not doing this.   
  
Just then Peridot found the cure for death and brought Greg's underevolved illogical body back to life. And everyone was happy because screw that first peri-graph!   
  
There won't be a "Dark Fic 3"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided that even though dark fics are popular I didn't want to do one because I just don't want to. And what I think is right. And you're wrong. All of you were wrong. Your tastes are completely wrong and I'm right!
> 
> Still leave kudos though.


End file.
